Hyraxywho?

[Hyraxylos]

Ramble alert. Today I woke from a nap I often take in the afternoons and suddenly realized that I no longer believed in my own state as an otherkin. All other people that I believed to be otherkin before that point I STILL do believe (which is kinda weird), but as of this point I now deny my own draconity.

Don't be alarmed at any of this. This isn't a goodbye (although I haven't been around much), and it doesn't mean that I'm feeling all torn up inside like my mother felt when she saw South America and lost her faith as a Catholic like a rude slap to the face. Actually this has happened quite a few times over the years, each one several months apart. Just suddenly, out of nowhere, some part of me cheerfully declares "OOOOOOOOOOKAAAAY it's time to DENY F***ING EVERYTHING!! " and hits the nuclear "Blow Up the World" button in the Oval Office, and then it's all gone.
This IS however the first time that I've ever talked outright about one of these periods of denial at a moment when I was going through one of them. I don't know why this idea never occurred to me previously, but it has now and I'm writing down all my current feelings now before (if) I irrationally decide to start believing again. It's a very strange sensation; the loss of faith really is that sudden. Within a fraction of an instant, I no longer believe any of my past-life stuff or that I even have a mindscape. Even Master is gone. Well... sorta... actually he's still there but I'm offhandedly dismissing him as some nagging urge to go knock something over. We all have that little voice inside, don't we?
What really confuses me about this is why I would continue to believe in anybody else. I mean... even now I'm actually TRYING to tell myself forcefully that all otherkin are absolutely wrong about themselves and I'm trying to assert it logically from every perspective I can think of and it just isn't sinking in. It probably has something to do with the nature of my sudden spells of self-denial; it doesn't occur as the result of any actual arguments I use against myself, it's just that all of a sudden I don't believe anymore. It's almost like Awakening, kinda, but with some of the sensations reversed. Possibly it's connected to why I believed my own story moreso than anyone else's, but then why would I DISbelieve it more?
My mind is racing crazily right now and I'm glad that I suddenly felt inspired to do this because every time previously that I've lost my beliefs I got them back and forgot what it was like to have lost them at all. As I said I don't really feel hurt but I also don't feel confused either. I've always thought that if this happened I'd end up running in circles trying to find new answers to the questions that had previously been answered by my faith, but now even those have escaped me. That's actually pretty annoying; I don't like giving up the answer to a question only to have it replaced by a question-mark, but even that's not really a fair description because the questions themselves are gone too. I don't know how to get around to figuring myself out either; what's always happened is that my beliefs would just pop back into me all on their own after a while which has varied randomly from a few hours to several days. That's unfortunate because I thought perhaps this occasion would be special, that I might be able to learn something new from it because I caught it happening and wrote it down and all. Yet for some reason I DO remember how I felt before I started believing in the first place but that memory never goes away at all.

Anyway yeah. Just another strange update of what's going on in my head. I'm a very confused primate. Possibly some others here have had similar occurrences from time to time.
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[Hyraxylos]

I'd have written this about thirty hours ago but had stuff to do. At this point I'm reluctantly back to believing again, but I did my best not to PREDICT it beforehand and clung to my denial, kicking and screaming the whole way. >_<

Actually I'm not that regretful that my beliefs came back, but whenever this happens I always try to remain in denial for as long as possible. The first couple times this happened (this is the 6th time I think) it was just because of my policy on how any supernatural belief that can't pass my tests doesn't warrant my faith; now it's more out of habit and I don't focus as much on reason. For me regaining faith is very different from how I lose it. It doesn't come back suddenly without questioning--I don't wake up in the morning and just realize I'm otherkin. It ties into my previous post (sorry for the double-post btw) about how the "questions vanish", the explanation provided for why I wasn't bothered by the sudden lack of answers for certain philosophical questions about myself.
The one thing that DID remain was that mysterious constant feeling of irritation. At random intervals it fluctuates between being almost gone and painfully distracting, but it's like when you're sitting down and suddenly part of your body doesn't feel comfortable enough so you shift your position without even thinking about the discomfort, only this feeling is spread throughout my whole body and there's no way to get rid of it. Certain parts of my skin feel like something's tugging on them, trying to force them to stretch out into weird shapes. I couldn't let that feeling continue without getting curious and questioning it. Once I did though, all the questions that'd disappeared all came rushing back, and none of them had satisfactory answers.
Crazy answers appeared to those, and with them came old memories that I'd thought I'd rid myself of for good. More than that, they all pieced together into a hypothesis directed straight for draconity, much to my dismay at that moment. I tried yet again to find other answers, and there were some but they didn't mesh together perfectly and the only other set that DID mesh together was to say "I don't know" to everything, which left me feeling incomplete. The only defense left for denial was that draconity was 'too insane and ridiculous'. But that didn't stand for long, because what's ALSO 'insane and ridiculous' are the chemical properties of water, the existence of gravity (a 'force' that pulls rather than pushes, wtf?), and the Big Bang theory.
So here I am once more, right back where I was yet again. I don't feel like I got nothing out of it though; sometimes it feels good just to deny it all and distance myself from it. The problem ultimately was that my otherkin beliefs are based on a special kind of observation, just as my 'belief' that the Moon waxes and wanes based on my observation that it appears to fade away on a monthly basis. Metacognition and apperception aren't considered to be "conventional" senses because they don't present evidence that ANYBODY can observe, thus any belief based on those (such as otherkin belief) is considered "unscientific", but it's still observation nonetheless, and on those grounds my denial was ultimately powerless against them.

I've found something out about myself. If my otherkin status is "observed", and things that I see, hear, and touch are also "observed", why then did I only deny being otherkin? To whomever is reading this, I've got a scenario for you based on something written by Plato. You and the rest of the world's population have always lived underground in a massive cave complex and based on that it's believed that these caves are "all that are". One day you manage to find a way to the outside, and you see a completely different world. The sky, the Sun, trees, wind, climate, everything. All these things are observed by vision, hearing, and feeling; all "natural" senses. You go back in and tell everyone else and unsurprisingly they all deny your claim because it's ridiculous and unimaginable. They can't see it for themselves because they've got too much work to do to bother going on a wild goose chase through the caves to see something they already don't believe to be there anyhow. Imagine then that you forgot how to get back to the exit from the caves and thus you too lose access to observation of the sky.
My question is would you too start to deny your own observations? Would you dismiss the sky as some sort of daydream you must have had, since you can't show them to someone else, or would you cling to your faith based on the lingering MEMORY of the observation? I denied my beliefs because I became temporarily unable to observe them, and memory of prior existence of beliefs was clearly not enough for me. What if this happened to anybody else with ANY kind of spiritual belief?
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[Jasriella]

This sounds strikingly similar to my case. I do question my draconity time to time but in my instance, I never let go of the belief. I swear that I can feel or sense a greater presence within me and some days it feels that it will just burst and I'll be able to go flying around with nothing to worry about but the wind brushing up against my scales and where to find my next meal.



(I will continue this but the bell just rang for class to start)
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I am trapped between heaven and hell. My wings carry me upon the winds. Above lies heaven, below hell. Yet I must land in hell to soar in heaven. I am a Dragon!

[Hyraxylos]

The freaky part though is that the questioning was what caused me to get it BACK. LOSING my belief in draconity just spontaneously happened all on its own. Still the only thing I can do is sit around wondering what caused it and if I might be able to learn something from the occurrences.
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[Jasriella]

I finished what I was saying earlier but its on a seperate thread. go ahead and check it out.
My life is now an open book.
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I am trapped between heaven and hell. My wings carry me upon the winds. Above lies heaven, below hell. Yet I must land in hell to soar in heaven. I am a Dragon!