An abbriged but able to be edited story of my life

[Eidolon Nagendra]

Well, I do enjoy talking about this kinda of thing, but I never seem to remember it all.. I suppose I can just post it later when I do recall it, if that is okay. Anyway...

I don't really remember much from when I was little... But I do remember how much I loved dragons.. No matter the situation, I could not bring myself to say the word, and I could not talk about them at all. I was terribly hurt and insulted when I heard or saw anything I didn't like about them, and I got mad and defended them when I could. I loved the medieval times, both because I liked a lot of things from it, but mostly because of its common association with dragons. I wrote numerous stories about things such as amulets and statues that would turn me into a dragon, I do believe I've saved a few of them. I also have an uncanny love for shapeshifting, magic, and anything of the like. I bought magic trick sets and similar items, and I was attracted to dragons, and a few other things, in a certain way, shall we say, what most "normal" people who like dragons would not love them and/or "want" them that much or in that way. When I reached about 11 or 12 years old, my obsessions with dragons, shapeshifting, and magic grew even more. I did so many things to try to turn myself into a dragon, obviously to no avail. I remember one time where I had a former friend over, and I had this terrible feeling when I was on a certain side of the house, so we ended up sleeping in the bathroom on the far side of the house. I remember that day was one of the days I was the most unbalanced.. I was saying things like "I can feel myself turning into a dragon.. I can feel the claws growing" I still have a vivid image of that moment.. Sigh. Too bad I didnt actually become a dragon. Anyway, it turns out that the whole thing was a premonition, and the closer we were to the tree where my friend got a concussion on the following day, the worse we felt. I do not know where to put this, since it was going on the whole time, but I basically had convinced myself that someday I would be a dragon on this earth. I needed to believe that to keep on going.. the thought of not being able to be one utterly crushed and destroyed me. But at that time, i finally realized how stupid I had been, and I became utterly depressed.. I have a journal entry from that period of time, and every time I read it, I shudder. I joined an otherkin website for the first time soon after that time, when I was still hopelessly depressed, and I made a few friends, who left me soon after. I stayed there for a while, and eventually joined a dragon forum as well, and left both for a little while, only returning to the dragon forum, which after I decided I was not really wanted there, for reasons I do not know, I left there as well, and stayed on msn. I was still depressed heavily, which has carried on until now, not going away, but fluctuating worse and back. Around that time somewhere I was trying to teach myself to lucid dream, and I did end up getting one that I deemed of some importance. After I realized I was dreaming, I immediately tried to turn myself into a dragon.. but even though it was a dream and I controlled it, I could not manage. About halfway through the transformation, it halted itself and reversed itself in the other direction, back to human. And there went my only hope.. after that I could not bring myself to lucid dream again, even today, years after, I still cant. And all my meditation attempts have been failures as well. So far, I still have no memories... only vague ideas of what I may have been. One person says they remember a dragon that could have been me in their past life, but the other people she remembers remember her, but not me. So, I do not know if it is true or not. As I explained in another post, it has only been recently that my phantom wings are bothering me consistently. I do not know if they are actually phantom wings, or just a creation by my mind to help satisfy my cravings to be as draconic as I can be. I've had a few other feelings which could have been phantom sensations, like horns, or tail, and maybe a few others. I've also had a few other sensations unlike any other, that really creeped me out, but I was also enthralled, being the insane and weird entity that I am.

Today, I am not doing so well.. I am lonely, sad, dreamless, worthless, still not able to remember my past, and easily hurt. If I come up with whatever I forgot, or a more accurate description I will update this post. It also is rather late over here, so there may be a few key errors, feel free to point them out so that I may edit them. I hope this provides a better description of me.. I am also open to any questions anyone may have for me, so please ask. Thanks to all who read this and/or comment, you have my heartfelt good wishes.

[Jasriella]

Unfortunately you're going to have to come to the same conclusion the rest of us have. Obviously most of us here have accepted our draconity. And luckly most of us have learned to accept life as we are. We have no other choice. It doesn't matter if we "were" dragon, we are human "now." There is nothing that can be done about that except death, and I don't plan on hastening that due to false hopes of wishing to turn into a dragon.

Yes, I've had those thoughts. There were times when I figured that if I died now I'd be able to get to be reborn as a dragon. But thankfully common sense and logical reasoning butted in and swayed my decision.

There were also other times that I would wake up naked from sleep, in some random corner of my room, and in what appeared to be a nest of my pillows and blankets. Thankfully nobody walked in on me but I have no clue as to how or why I ended up like that in the morning because everything was normal the night before.

In short, I've learned to accept what I am for what I am. I'm only human for now and aren't going to be sprouting wings and a tail any time soon. As much as I would love it it just isn't going to happen. This is something that you need to do as well. Don't hate yourself for being human, I did for a while and all it did was cause problems for myself and the people around me.
_________________
I am trapped between heaven and hell. My wings carry me upon the winds. Above lies heaven, below hell. Yet I must land in hell to soar in heaven. I am a Dragon!

[Eidolon Nagendra]

I must have made some mistake with my location.. I'm actually in California.. and I meant to say I had somewhat come to the realization when I was about 12, when I was speaking of being crushed by realizing how blissfully ignorant I was thinking I was going to be a dragon someday. Of course, I still plan on doing everything to fight to see if I can make it possible here on earth, since I just don't feel alive the way I am now. I understand that it is probably a hopeless and pointless battle, but as of now I have nothing else to do, since I cant force myself to remember anything. It does mean that much to me, however, for reasons I know not. I suppose that some day I may become wiser though, and find a purpose. I think I may be more crazy than even I think, to fight a hopeless battle on purpose...

[Jasriella]

I never said to give up and stop fighting it. It's a constant struggle every day for me and if you read my thread just below this I think, you'll find out that I started out very similar to you. I find it rather embarassing to say this, coming from an American soldier, but I have broken down in tears because of my failed attempts at gathering any more info than I've already gotten within myself.

I still try, but I no longer deny the fact that I'm human. This body is human and has it's limitations and I've accepted that. But I will never give up on a crazy man's struggle to be what I once may have been.

Edit: Here's a link to my thread. It's five pages of me, what I've gone through, what I'm going through, and some other embarassing stuff.

My life is now an open book
_________________
I am trapped between heaven and hell. My wings carry me upon the winds. Above lies heaven, below hell. Yet I must land in hell to soar in heaven. I am a Dragon!

[Shiari]

[Eidolon Nagendra]

Well... The joy in being human, you say? I have been trying to find something nice about it.. I suppose there is likely something I don't know yet. But, when it comes to having a purpose, I often think why I am here. And it just doesn't make sense to me, though it should. I believe I am here for a reason, based on what has transpired so far, and I have only a few thoughts on why. And to Galadreil, it is not embarassing to break down in tears, I've done so many times when I realize what it is I am going to be going through in the coming years, even though I should be doing something different. I wish I could have provided a better description though, I feel I've left so much out, and yet I don't know what it is. But while I was typing it up last night, I was pondering it, and I think I am still trying to prove to myself that I am a dragon. I haven't had many things ever go in my favor, though some people may be even worse off than I am, and I always find it hard to believe when something I want to happen does happen. And I do not have much evidence that could actually help me believe it.. rather, what I do have could either prove that either am one, or just wish I was one.

[Jasriella]

Often enough I've wondered about my purpose in life, and I've also wondered why I was put here like this in the first place. Why would anyone put this kind of torture on someone? Or if it was really me that did it, but this body is unable to figure that out on it's own.

So many questions, and yet no way to answer them. I stopped worrying about the whys and hows and started focussing on life and living it to its fullest. Otherwise I wouldn't be going to the best damn technical college in the U.S., Wyotech.

Odds are you'll never answer these questions either. But that doesn't mean you stop asking. Just don't be focussing your life on them, you'll be living a life of misery and that isn't a life at all. Find something you enjoy and do it. Don't let anybody hold you back and don't let anything get in your way.

As the Dodge slogan goes, "grab life by the horns" because it'll give you one hell of a ride .
_________________
I am trapped between heaven and hell. My wings carry me upon the winds. Above lies heaven, below hell. Yet I must land in hell to soar in heaven. I am a Dragon!

[Eidolon Nagendra]

I have pondered what it is I am going to do in the future, and I haven't figured anything out yet. Everything I used to enjoy doing just isn't fun anymore.. and the things I still do enjoy, I am so terrible at I never attempt them, including some video games, writing, and drawing. I used to read quite often as well, but not even dragon books interest me nowadays, they are too painful to read. And judging by how I have been doing in school, I might not make it through college, if I find something to major in, and if I can get into a college. I really am headed nowhere in life, I know now, and unintentionally enough I just don't care much anymore. Everything I do is alone, and all I ever wanted was a friend or a mate to spend my life with, but based on how people react to my personality, I likely will not be getting one. One other thing I still want to do, but cannot since I have no area to do it in, is master something. It always pains me that whatever I can do, someone else can do better, it makes me feel quite unnecessary.