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Silver Dragon Breath dragon forums
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Namhias
Shining Dragonstar
Joined: 19 Jan 2006
Posts: 1055
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 Posted: Thu 22 Oct 2009 8:05 Post subject: |
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I believe that lives imprint on a soul. Right now, I feel much more dragon than human. As stated in my signature, I belief I am a dragon living in a human body.
That brings is to a much more difficult question before I can fully answer your question: What does it mean to be human?
The spirit is a topic that gives me headaches, it's a very difficult topic, and I don't fully understand it myself.
It took me long time to finally accept that I am what I am, it took me months and I still have doubts from time to time, which I think is only healthy. I regularly question myself, try to reconstruct the reasons why I feel how I feel. |
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CB
Dragonstar
Joined: 20 Oct 2009
Posts: 163
Location: Ohio
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| Posted: Thu 22 Oct 2009 8:16 Post subject: |
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the only reason im inquiring so much is because Im just so confused, in the way I described in my hello in the Dragon Newbie forum.
maybe this conversation should be continued there, lol, since all the content is there and its practically the same subject
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Shiari
Moderator
Joined: 26 Apr 2008
Posts: 227
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| Posted: Thu 22 Oct 2009 8:33 Post subject: |
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| CB wrote: |
Ok im beating around the bush here, i just need to come out and ask it...please explain this. All of it. Your beleif systems, how you came to this conclusion, what you think of yourself, your perception on dragons, why you beleive you are/were one, all of it. Just lay it all out on the table. |
I deal with two "belief" systems. One is the acknowledged fact that the existence of souls is very unlikely in its own way and that my beliefs regarding the soul and reincarnation are attempts to make palatable my mortality AND explain the chosen Archetypal view of Self that the Self has chosen.
The other is that my Self actually did have a lifetime as a shinoar on another planet and I'm remembering snippets of it accompanied by phantom limbs.
My coming to awareness of my past lives/nature of Self was both very gradual and very sudden. I believed when I was very young that everyone's "inside them" looked other than the human body it wore, because *my* "inside me" was different. When playing, other children would choose to be z-men characters, or other superheroes (I typically played with boys due to my extremely tomboyish nature) and I was always a troodont that could hover in the air. I didn't really connect wings on yet.
At about age 10, I began realising that my 'soul' being other than human did not mesh with the christian beliefs I was raised with. I ruthlessly squashed down and tried to kill my natural paganistic leaning and was moderately successful for the next few years.
At late 13, early 14, I began questioning christianity as being right for me. We were reading old testament parts of the bible at the catholic highschool I was attending (my b-day's in semptember, so I start school at what seems a year younger) and was appalled. Beyond appalled. Completely sickened by the stories of God glorying in death and considering offering up daughter for gang rape to be "righteous". I refused to have anything to do with such a deity. One of my core beliefs is that a god should be worthy of *me* before I will strive to be worthy of *it*.
So, I'm 14 at that poin and sitting in the computer lab at highschool, randomly browsing the internet for pagan sites and working on an essay for english when I got Cluex4'd with a full phantom body and mental shift. It was... disconcerting, painful, terrifying. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown, completely bonkers. I sat there and struggled my way out of the mental shift, but the phantom body would not leave. In fact, it didn't leave for 3 years. It took me that long to squish the darned thing away. I miss it a little sometimes, but mostly it was a pain. And the phantom form? Therapodian, taller than I... and with wings.
Through the next 4 years after I slowly came to the realisation that if I am a bit crazy, it's not keeping me from doing ordinary things like homework, having fun with friends, having a boyfriend, etc. I could still function in society with none the wiser for this strange mental quirk. So I finally began to actually explore it more at 18. I'd already had a couple memory flashes... specifically how it was that I believe I died that last shinoar life. And that memory felt very "me" and very "this happened already". The whole sense of it was "me long ago". So I figured it was probably reincarnation.
I made a lot of assumptions early on, especially when I discovered the otherkin community at 19, as to how dragons "should" be. While I was never large, and never had scales. I assumed I must have had those spikes down the back and a tail spade because *all* dragons have those, right? And I breathed fire, because all dragons have a breath weapon, right?
However, I tend to be uncomfortably honest with myself. The spikes and spade dropped within two months, fire breathing probably... half a year? later. It was a particular drawing that helped pull together how the shinoar looked... I had dropped into a highly draconic mind set and was doodling and suddenly staring at me was my phantom body. I took a look and said "holy crap, that's ME!". Things have, of course, changed a bit since then... but nothing at all drastic. The firebreathing was a logic thing... the shinoar lived primarily in grasslands. Fire BAD! I still think they had weird inflatable display pouched right behind their jaw which would puff up when aggravated, and we may have spit at things. Who knows, maybe we were venomous or had a special super stinky spit.
It has been 13 years now since the rude 'awakening'. Eight years since I discovered otherkin. It has gone from "ooh cool!" to "meh" in regards of excitement and importance in my life. It is an integral part of my Self, be it soul or psyche, but so are my lungs integral to my body but I don't spend tons of time extolling their virtues.
On dragons- I half don't consider the shinoar dragons in the sense most people use. I use it as a convenience label because when people see drawings of them they call them "dragons"... so at some level they are. But at the important points, they aren't.
As to the other people I see... I see a lot of "cool factor" running rampant in this community. I see lots of stereotypes and have to wonder if people have ever considered that maybe they *aren't* enormous. If they *don't* have metallic super strong scales. If they *don't* have a thousand and one "breath weapons". If they *aren't* masters of magic.
How many people really sit down and try to draw out their form and learn to distinguish between "this looks awesome!!!" and "this looks RIGHT." It's subtle. They can be easily confused. |
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CB
Dragonstar
Joined: 20 Oct 2009
Posts: 163
Location: Ohio
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| Posted: Thu 22 Oct 2009 8:47 Post subject: |
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shiari, i must say so far I relate to your post the most. However I must say that I havent gone through these phantom limbs and such that everyone says they go through, the ONLY reason I havent ruled out my curiosity on the topic as completly insane is because of those trances I described in my first post (in the intro forum), which might be the mental shifts you were talking about. Though I also wonder if I might have if I wasnt going through so much at that time. The only reason I could block these 'mental shifts' (if of course your version of that term is similar to mine) is because I had alot of life trauma at that time...long story short I had no freinds because I was using diseases I was falsley diagnosed with as a crutch for obnoxious behavior, and my father was a depressed achoholic who spent so much money on liquor that by time I got out of there, I was extremley malnourished and my stomach was so shrunken I was barely capable of eating food. So long story short it was easy to block out this minor problem, because all I had to do was focus on the others.
That part of my life is past now, so no awes and that sucks from anyone >.>
And I dont think I feel these things because I feel its cool. I dont read dragon literature, draw them, watch dragon based movies, and whenever someone says the word dragon in real life I feel embarressed. Rather I came here to maybe understand what I'm going through, before constantly thinking of them day after day at every open moment eats away at my soul. Its getting to the point where I am sick of thinking about them and feel jaded in the topic, and yet I still cant stop.
I do want to know...do you still have/are able to induce these mental shifts, and if so how? I think that reverting back to them somehow is the best method I have for exploring myself as a whole.
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Shiari
Moderator
Joined: 26 Apr 2008
Posts: 227
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| Posted: Thu 22 Oct 2009 9:20 Post subject: |
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I view different species mindset as similar to having many pairs of glasses with different hues of color.
Human is one color, shinoar is another, but fairly similar color. My natural mindset is 'human directly on my face, Shinoar held a little bit in front." which means that I'm always looking at the world in a shinoar mindset to a very small degree. Mental shifts for me are a reversal. I look at everything primarily through a shinoar set of "glasses", with a human pair at arms length. The shinoar are less... complicated. They're a young species. They feel very intensely. My mental shifts usually occur when I'm angry, extremely happy, or sick. I can also trigger them when I want, and learn a lot more when I'm not experiencing a very emotional situation.
I don't know how I do it on purpose anymore than I understand exactly "how" i use biofeedback to lower my stress and blood pressure. |
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CB
Dragonstar
Joined: 20 Oct 2009
Posts: 163
Location: Ohio
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| Posted: Thu 22 Oct 2009 9:25 Post subject: |
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| Shiari wrote: |
My mental shifts usually occur when I'm angry, extremely happy, or sick. I can also trigger them when I want, and learn a lot more when I'm not experiencing a very emotional situation.
I don't know how I do it on purpose anymore than I understand exactly "how" i use biofeedback to lower my stress and blood pressure. |
Well that would explain why I no longer have them, I dont remember the last time I have truely loved someone or even trusted anyone...I expect failure and I dont get excited about anything anymore. Even games, which I was most passionate for, I now only feel a slight buzz from.
So basically, in order to start these again and understand myself, I have to stop being so jaded...this will be hard for me, it's really the last guard I think I have for myself...
...but I suppose it must be done. I havent felt any strong emotions in such a long time, so this will be difficult for me. I hope for the best.
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Shiari
Moderator
Joined: 26 Apr 2008
Posts: 227
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| Posted: Thu 22 Oct 2009 10:10 Post subject: |
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| Mental shifts aren't triggered the same for everyone. However, what you are describing sounds far less like being jaded... then being depressed. Depression doesn't just mean feeling sad... but not feeling. Depression runs in my family and my brother has it very badly. He's much better and can enjoy life now that he's found a med that fixes his chemical imbalances. |
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Syrobe
Founder
Joined: 23 Aug 2003
Posts: 596
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| Posted: Thu 22 Oct 2009 10:48 Post subject: |
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| CB wrote: |
| Syrobe wrote: |
The SDB - Ophra W show is planned for next month......  |
err, you actually mean your going to be on Oprah, or are you just messing with me :\ |
It is a joke, as a respons some words in your post ('Just lay it all out on the table'). I did not, reminding what you wrote when you joined us, take that serious at all (no offends ok).
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