Otherkin question(s)

[Jasriella]

[CB]

That is so deep...it really puts a new spin on this entire topic. I guess now it is my turn.

I wish I for one could say I remember my childhood, but sadly I dont, all I hear is 3rd hand stories from what other people tell me. Everytime I try to think about my past, I fail horribly at it, only remembering little tidbits.

From the beginning:

From the earliest stories of my own life others have told me, the first comes from my mother. When I was a child, I had alot of medical conditions; I was born with something called a heart murmer (?), and when I was 3 or so, I had alot of ear infections. Not just normal ones, very violent ear infections; at points they would get so bad I would vomit, and she said one of them was so bad I went into a mild seizure, and she had to put me into a bathtub of coldish water to get me to stop. My mom also told me that alot of the time my dad was never there for me.

I also vaguely recall that my mom and dad fought alot when I was a kid, but I cant recall any memories of it, mostly because I suspect my mind is blocking out alot of my childhood memories. But I do remember that around the age of 7 or 9, they got divorced, and she married my stepdad, who though I dont feel very related to, has always been there.

I never had any close friends as a kid, because we always moved alot. Every one or two years we would up and go to another place right after the initial akwardness of being a new kid wore off. I think that for these reasons my social skills never fully developed, and after awhile I got so used to the akward feeling that it became part of who I was, and as a result I have always used odd behavior as sort of a way to cope.

Around the age of 10, I had become a real problem child. I put hands on my sister, my mom says I told her I hated her etc on more than one occasion, and a bunch of other things that I convenianly cant remember.

My first memories of my own life are of me as a pre-teen, with visitation to my biological fathers house. I remember he was a smoker and a drinker, but not heavy on either. Every other weekend though we would visit him, and of course I would love it because I was always grounded, and over there I could get away with whatever I wanted. Around that time I also played the 1st game that I really got into, which was final fantasy 9, and it still remains a favorite today. After a few years though, he would not show up for his visitation dates, and after awhile he stopped seeing us all together. This was tragic on me, because I had alot of memories of him (most of which I have forgotten).

And now for the most defining part of my life, and the first clear, lucid memory I have. My misbehavior had reached a climax, and though I dont remember who all was there, I remember me and my mom got into it, and alot of things came up about how I was acting. Broken, beaten, and not knowing what to do, she asked me if I would rather live at my dads house, and I said yes. I was 14 at the time, and this would forever change my life.

The day I arrived at my dads house, my mom hugged me and cried, and left. I had her number, but I was afraid of her and didnt want to call her. I never did either, because my dad spoke very poorly of my mom. At this time my dad was dating a women who had 3 kids, and we all lived in the same house, though I only remember one of them. They fought too, but after a year or so it grew in intensity. I specifically remember one incident where my dad walked out on an argument and left me there...so she took me in her car and chased after my dad, and when we hit a red light on the freeway, she told me to go to his car. Scared as hell, I got out on to the freeway and started to walk toward his car...and with the light still red, he burned out his tires and took off. After that she drove me back and apoligized to me.

As for school life it was mixed. I was picked on alot due to my lack of social development, and the fact I was a year younger than everyone else didnt help, as well as my severe case of acne. It was also at that time I made my first real friend, whos name I will not say, and the best part of it was that he was just a typical everyday middle schooler, not a weirdo like me. That was one of the few parts of that time in my life where I genuially felt good, as he was really the only human contact I had then. I also met the school conselor, named mrs mcaffey. At first it was the typical school consoler-patient relationship, since I was placed on an IPE, but I think after awhile she realized my slipping grades where because of my life trauma, not because of any mental conditions. She was the only one I had to talk to, and was there through alot of my numerous mental breakdowns...I remember one in particular where I went into a rage after being picked on, I was throwing desks and everything, and then I curled into a ball and refused to speak, crying nonstop. It was then she hugged me, and it was the first time I remember being hugged. It calmed me down immensly. I have to say that without my friend and my conselor, I would have succumed to the dark thoughts that often overcame me, and either I or someone else would have been dead.

Sometime in that school year I also went to various therapy sessions at Child Focus, and this is where the 'trances' or 'mind shifts' I started having began...I was foolish enough to try and explain it to the therapist, who unlike my councelor was your typical 1hour session therapist. After a few sessions he falsely diagnosed me with ADHS, Depression, and Turrets, and prescribed five daily medications to me, 3 to be taken in the morning, 2 at night.

As for the relationship between my dad and his girlfriend, it was deteriorating fast, and they often argued about his drinking, which had been picking up over the last few months. Eventually she broke up with him, and he was heartbroken. After this, it was around the summer, so he went to go live with his friend and I went to live at his adoptive parents house...after a few months, he came to pick me up, and me and him moved into a one bedroom one bathroom apartment in some place called Beechwood Villa, which I only know the name of because I passed it while on my driving instruction a few weeks back. At this point, his drinking started to pick up.

When the school year began again, I met someone named mark, who I am very certain had sort of down syndrome. I met him at our bus stop and found out he lived in the apartment complex next to mine, and I would visit him frequantly. During the school year is also when we started to have less food in the fridge, but I didnt notice because I still ate at school...I was put on either reduced or free lunches, I cant remember.

Throughout that school year my grades were starting to slip, and I remember one day I showed my dad I got an F in math, and he muttered something about its why he drank. I knew it wasnt true, but it still hurt because I had known him as a very nice man sober, and on the rare occasion he was I loved to be around him.

Toward the end of the year, I asked my teacher mrs Mcaffey if I could have a book titled 'How to draw more manga' that she had in the IPE bookshelf, and she said yes. This is where I first got an interest in dragons, but I had only drawn 2 dragon related pictures, one just a dragon that was in the book and another that was a dragon suit of some sort. I remember after I drew the suit I had a short obsession with them, I distinctly remember stealing aluminum foil from art class so I could make claws out of them...unsuccessfully of course.

At the end of the year, I didnt know my grades because my school fees weren't paid. I am alomst certain that I failed math, and I still beleive to this day Mrs McAffey pulled some strings to get me into the next grade. After the school year ended, that is when the real hell began. Every day my dad's drinking got worse and worse, and every week or two he would get fired from a job for not showing up, etc. As for me, I tried the entire time I was there to get him to stop drinking, putting notes everywhere, hanging anti drug tshirts around the house, etc, but nothing worked. Every time I left my room he was either asleep, gone, or on the computer. We never had the AC on, so it was always insanley hot in the place, to the point where I sweated so much at night I couldnt sleep.

At this time I also went through puberty, and I had no idea what the hell was going on (though I did a good job at guessing). After awhile I remembered my friend mark, and i went to go see what he was up to...it was the 1st time leaving the apartment in about a month. Ever since then I went there every single day, and I always ate some of his pretzels, and occasionally I would be allowed to make a grilled cheese sandwhich in the microwave. Other than going to Marks though, every day felt the same. I had no internet access, and other than mark (who because of whatever condition he did have could barely put a sentence together), I had no social contact at all. My dad was practically a ghost to me, and the only things I had to do were play a hanfull of PS2 games (which I beat really quick), play Pokemon Silver, watch one of the 2 channels my TV got, or play with Knex.

This went on for about 3 months, getting worse as it progressed. Eventually the fridge was barren, the house was never cleaned since we moved in, and I dont remember if I did laundry. I remember I would get so hungry that I would eat ketchup packets from the side door of our fridge, collected from a bunch of old McDonalds bags a few years back so we didnt have to get ketchup bottles. After awhile every day felt the same, going over to Marks to play/borrow games and scrounge for pretzels and the occasional sandwich, then coming back home after about an hour to waste the day away. I was also sure my dad was doing things because I would here noises at night and find womens perfume, etc in the bathroom the day after.

Then one day, two guys in black suits showed up. The day started out like any other day, but when I went outside of my room they were snooping around the apartment, asking my drunk father questions about some things in his closet. After awhile they arrested him on charges of Possesion of Child Pornography and another charge unrelated to me that I will not mention, because it is not my right to reveal it. They took him away, and I was broken inside, because at that moment, I realized that I had witnessed first hand the death of my fathers once caring, funny, and proud soul wither and die into a hollow shell of a man. After they took him away I went into the apartment hallway, completly clueless as to what happened. After two years, everything was over in the matter of a few hours, and I had no warning beforehand whatsoeever. I was completly alone, and I didnt know who, if anyone, was going to come.

10 mintutes later, I saw my mother, sister, stepfather, and consellor come up the stairs, and they were in shock. I didnt know any because I hadnt looked at myself in a long time, but I was ghost white pale, unhealthilly skinny, and my face was so ridden with acne that it was on the verge of scaring. After a short few moments, they walked me to there car, and just like that, I was going to go live with my mother again.

After that day, I was very different inside. When I first came back I went through alot of mental breakdowns, and said alot of horrible things to my sister. But about 4 years ago, I started getting better, about 1/4 of the way through my freshman year. I was still bullied alot, but as time progressed it got less and less severe, and eventually I was actually turning into a likable person, especially once I started to finish sorting my emotional trauma. Toward the end of my sophmore year the bullying stopped, and on my junior year I enrolled in vocational school, which was by far the best part of my entire life so far. It seemed like almost everyone there liked me (despite the fact that I now almost never shut up and tend to get annoying), and as an added bonus my grades where now top of the class good, and I was enrolled with people who shared the same interest as me. We had only 4 people in our IT lab so we got to know each other very well, and in addition there was dozens of people I knew and talked to in other vocations. I was overwelmed with this sudden surge of interaction with others, and the day I graduated was one of the sadest days of my life, as I now have lost contact with all but a few of them.

My obsession with dragons began, if i remember, in between my junior and senior year, and persists to this day. As of now I lead a mellow boring life, wasting the days away untill i get my drivers licence. I have some minor parent issues now, but only the usual married people arguments and such.

And that is my life story. Sorry it took so long to type, it's been a long time since I've thought that hard about it, and I had to take a break halfway through typing it. Congratulations to anyone who read it all, and I think it's safe to say you now know almost all there is to know about me.
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I would love to have you on MSN, send me a PM with your IM account. Or not, if your that kind of person.

[CB]

[Shiari]

Depression can still allow for happy moments. Like I said, depression is not *sadness*. You stated that you don't often feel strong emotions. This is a very strong indication of depression, and considering the story you just related, if you weren't depressed I'd be shocked.

I also want to extra caution you to take things slowly with the idea that you might be dragonkin, because you have a history with strong potential for this to be a coping mechanism. Dragons are seen as strong, fierce, capable, independent... Your Self may well have chosen an archetype to model itself after due to the incredible stresses that you went through.

[Jasriella]

[CB]

[Daragon]

I am a christian myself, but I don't let that get in the way of other things. (Such as my beliefs on Otherkinism. (It's SUPPOSEDLY wrong to add other beliefs in with christianity... , but who cares? )) You're right CB, even if there is nothing in the end, at least make the world a better place for everyone. (Except those jerks in high school. )

Again, I envy you, CB.
(You too Gal' xD)
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VICTORY GUM!

[QueenOfTheShadows]